Love and marriage in India are not just between two people; it’s between two families. It is safe to call it a community event; an amalgamation of hearts, horoscopes, good food, and some inevitable chaos. Very contrasting is the Western culture, where romance is private and there’s individualistic freedom in finding a life partner.
While Indians might be too nosy, there’s a certain warmth to how everyone wants to be super involved, and almost all are rooting for your happy love life.
Ravi Mittal, Founder & CEO of QuackQuack shares how Indian love differs from the West. Rishtas vs Red Flags.
Keeping in mind the polar opposite dating cultures, desi daters are slowly getting accustomed to the prying eyes of their mothers and turning the disapproval of their fathers into approvals, one good match at a time. Westerners might only have to worry about the two of their vibes matching, but Indians have a lot more to think about: “Will Papa think his qualifications are good enough?” or “What if Mummy thinks she’s all sass and no sanskar?”
Indian daters are built differently; not better or worse, just different.
Your love life might be personal, but never private: There was a time, not too long ago, when Indian daters hated the idea of parents interfering with their love lives. But with enough trial and error, 3 out of 7 daters say in the Indian dating scenario, parental guidance is much appreciated. Blindly following the West’s privacy factors won’t cut it in India, where parents’ approval on the matter of ‘settling down’ is ultimately an important factor for most people.
It might seem like a red flag, involving your family, but for Indian daters, it’s a stamp of approval and a reassurance that “I am serious about this relationship.” Yes, it has its cons; overly curious neighbours and their constant, “So, when are you getting married?” or “Who is that girl?” can be annoying, but you also get caring people who will verify the claims of an alliance, whether you met them online or IRL.
While it sounds overwhelming, Indians are used to this level of involvement, and surveys show that it brings the comfort of familiarity to most daters.
The chronology is not the same: Western dating follows a certain way; usually attraction, dating, declaring love, dating again, possibly getting engaged, and then getting married, if that’s the goal. The Indian dating sequence goes a bit differently. In the modern dating scenario, it is more like liking the dating profile, matching, dating, things get serious, informing the family, waiting for partner to inform the family, waiting for everyone’s approval to propose, a lot of drama and chaos, and finally, shadi fixed. Indian daters come with a different set of priorities; it is more focused on long-term commitment over short-term attraction, and it demands every family member’s nod. Love and stability go hand-in-hand in the desi dating world, and nothing is stable in an Indian household till mummy pre-checks it.
Some trends are less severe and some take a different route- It would be wrong to say there’s no ghosting or people don’t break up as much in India, but the intensity can be, in some cases, lower than in the West. Why? Because Indian daters are answerable to too many people, not just their partner. If you have been dating someone, even casually, and your parents get a whiff of it, it would immediately get more difficult to abruptly break things off. It can be a boon or a bane; on one hand, people are less indecisive; on the other, some can forcefully stay in an unhappy relationship out of that same pressure of being answerable to not one, but many.
Commitment phobia is less severe among desi daters because of the ingrained culture of committing to values and sticking to one thing till it’s perfect since their very childhood.
Ghosting exists, but in many cases, it stems from deeply rooted societal values rather than a personal choice; for instance, two people have been connecting really nicely, until one reveals something about their past that just doesn’t sit well with the other’s family values or doesn’t match societal expectations.
Emotional vulnerability in Desi dating: While in the West, it is an already established factor, in India, it is still developing. There’s more awareness around mental health in Western dating, but India is still catching up, though the young generations of daters have been doing great work to bring the focus on emotional intelligence and availability, open communication, and a healthy amount of emotional vulnerability. It is more prevalent in the online dating world, as compared to a traditional matchmaking setup, but it has to begin somewhere.
In traditional settings, men are still expected to be more emotionally suppressed, strong, and provider-type, and women meek, more emotional, and needing protection. But, countless studies have shown that the story is quite different in the online dating setup; online daters are embracing emotional honesty, regardless of gender. Men cry, women plan dates, and both comfort each other. Therapy is no longer taboo; in fact, a person in therapy is more desirable today. They are expected to be more emotionally sorted and mature. Boundaries, speaking about anxiety, depression, and focusing on one’s mental health as much as physical health are slowly becoming green flags. And once the younger generation starts addressing the trauma, the older ones will heal too.
