The gruesome murder of Raja Raghuvanshi by his newlywed wife, Sonam, has shocked the nation. As per the latest news reports, Sonam was in love with a man called Raj Kushwaha and had plotted her husband’s murder. She had hired three hitmen to get rid of Raja. Reports also mention that Sonam was not keen on the marriage but finally agreed to tie the knot, giving in to family pressure. As a distraught sister of Raja asked, thousands of people across the country had the same question: Why did you not elope and leave Raja, rather than kill him? While a web of lies and deceit keeps unfolding?
Murder is diabolical, and no situation can justify the act of killing another human being. But while this is an exceptional and unthinkable situation, being coerced to marry can have many pitfalls. Shivani Misri Sadhoo, a psychologist and relationship expert, shares her insights on forced marriages and how they can have a disastrous impact on the self and the partner.
Forced Marriages Cause Psychological Strain
“Forced marriages mostly strip individuals of their autonomy and emotional safety. When someone is forced into marrying against their will, it could lead to feelings of resentment, anxiety, and emotional isolation,” says Sadhoo. She adds, “As a relationship counsellor, I have seen that such marriages lack the basic foundation of mutual respect and choice. The emotional toll is mostly hidden but deep, affecting mental health, trust, and self-worth.”
While nothing could justify violence, Sadhoo says we must understand that forced marriages can create immense psychological strain. “The solution lies in respecting personal choices and ending the normalisation of emotional coercion in the name of tradition,” the counsellor adds.
Walking Away Is Not Always Easy
Why would many women rather not walk out of a marriage or refuse to marry, but take an extreme step, even murder or suicide? “While walking away looks like the obvious choice, for several women, it is not that simple. In deeply patriarchal settings, refusing marriage or leaving one is mostly met with shame, threats, and loss of family support. The fear of isolation, social judgment, or even violence could feel more terrifying than staying in a miserable or unwanted relationship,” says Sadhoo.
Sadhoo add, “As a therapist, I have observed women who feel utterly trapped — emotionally, financially, and socially. When their voices are silenced repeatedly, desperation can take over. In such extreme mental states, some may sadly see no way out but through drastic actions like suicide or, in rare and diabolical cases, murder.”
The expert highlights that this is not justification — it’s a call for society to stop ignoring the emotional suffocation many women live with. The real solution lies in giving women the freedom to say no and the support to walk away safely.
Arranged Marriages: Red Flags To Look Out For
Arranged marriages can work beautifully — but only if both individuals have agency and mutual respect, says Sadhoo. Unfortunately, red flags often get ignored in the name of family pressure or tradition. Here are key warning signs to look out for, according to Sadhoo:
Lack of Consent: If you feel forced or emotionally blackmailed while saying yes, that’s a serious red flag.
Disrespect or Dismissiveness: If the other partner disregards your opinions, dreams, or boundaries early on, it rarely improves after marriage.
Rushed Timelines: Being pressured to decide or marry quickly without any time to know the person should never be taken lightly.
Controlling Behaviour: Watch out for early signs of control — excessive calling, jealousy, or trying to dictate your actions.
Avoidance of Difficult Conversations: If discussions about values, finances, or future expectations are repeatedly brushed off, that’s a concern.
“A healthy arranged marriage begins with openness and mutual respect, not force, fear, or silence. Listen to your gut, and never ignore discomfort masked as ‘adjustment’, says Sadhoo.”
Dos And Don’ts In Long-Term Commitments
Some of the dos and don’ts, as mentioned by Sadhoo:
Dos:
– Do speak up if you feel uncertain or uncomfortable — your consent matters.
– Do take time to know the person beyond surface-level conversations.
– Do involve a trusted friend or therapist if you require perspective.
– Do set boundaries early — emotional and physical.
– Do observe family dynamics — how the other side treats you and their own family says a lot.
Dont’s
– Don’t agree out of guilt or family pressure.
– Don’t ignore red flags such as anger issues, disrespect, or control.
– Don’t hurry into a decision just because “it’s the right age.”
– Don’t stay silent — if something feels wrong, talk about it.
– Don’t believe you can “fix” someone after marriage. People only change when they want to.
Unhappiness In Marriage: Families Are Not Oblivious, But Are Often In Denial Mode
So, how do the spouses and families where a man/woman is forced into marriage remain so oblivious of their unhappiness? Are the red flags not evident? Sadhoo points out that often, it is not oblivion — it’s denial. “Families and even spouses might choose to ignore emotional distress because acknowledging it might mean confronting uncomfortable truths — that the marriage was not consensual, or that tradition was prioritised over well-being,” Sadhoo says, adding, “In several Indian households, emotional discomfort is often dismissed as ‘normal adjustment’. A woman crying after marriage? “It happens to everyone.” A man going silent? “He’ll get used to it.” This normalisation of suffering silences the real warning signs.
Spouses, too, might be emotionally unequipped or unwilling to recognise their partner’s distress, especially in marriages driven by expectations, not emotional connection, says the expert. “The deeper issue lies in our cultural conditioning: we mostly focus more on social appearances than emotional realities. Until we look to shift the narrative from “just settle down” to “be emotionally safe and respected,” these blind spots would continue to cause damage,” adds Sadhoo.
